What to Do (and Not to Do) in Asheville When You’re a Depressed, Cynical Little Shit

Asheville, NC is a quirky, seductive little place. The gorgeous scenery, the nationally-renowned restaurants, the breweries outnumbering black people 2:1, it’s a dream come true for the Southeast’s hottest and hippest. But when the illusion starts to slip, and your sense of superficiality and alienation in a genetically modified City of Cool skyrockets to 11, here are some proven tips to spare you from drowning yourself in the French Broad.

DON’T

Try a hip new restaurant. The pretentious and underwhelming cocktails will cost $13 and take literally 17 minutes to arrive, the “market veggie” appetizer will be little more than a plate of unwashed broccoli stems, and your stomach will churn with contempt for the hordes of middle aged white people around you who left their table manners in Florida, green gluten-free soup dripping from their horrible, thin-lipped mouths like blood.

DO

Go to your favorite hideaway bar, where your solid-as-fuck bartender will have your drink of choice ready in moments, and s/he probably won’t even talk to you if you don’t want. Because that’s fucking service.

DON’T

Engage with anyone–local or tourist–about how Asheville’s changed/how shitty the traffic is/how shitty the parking is/where you’re from originally. These most banal and boring topics of provincial conversation are sure to be what pushes this city to the point of implosion, a celestial circle jerk that sends us into that vast chasm of nothingness. If someone tries to forcibly engage with you in said topics, try to refrain from throwing your beer in their face. Er, fuck it, just do it.

DO

Talk to your friends. Respond to their texts–better yet, call them–and be a normal human for a change. I know you’re a depressed, cynical little shit right now, but they care about you and chances are high you’ll have some laughs if you let them come ‘round. They’ll probably bring you tacos and a pack of smokes too if you ask.

DON’T

Stay in the house/sleep all day. Get woke and stay woke. Do the chores when you must, but don’t limit yourself to just a few hours of life outside of work. Everything in its own time.

DO

Go outside. You don’t have to know the back roads to the sweetest nature spot EVER just to get a healthy dose of fresh air. I couldn’t tell you where Black Balsam is. I’ve never even been there. But considering we are privileged enough to live in these badass lands, challenge yourself and go sit on a river rock or something. Or just take a walk down your street. I’ll bet you’ll learn something new about your neighborhood. Something the tourists will never even ask you about.